While it feels like there’s no quick answer to the titular question, it probably is as simple as: everywhere but here. By “here”, I don’t mean this blog, though that is true. No, I mean here as in the here and now.
Although I’ve suspected it for a long time and often made a joke about it, I do genuinely think I’ve been self-medicating through drinking. I started drinking at a low point in my life where it felt like there was no escape or relief or reason to keep living. Drinking served me by occupying and incapacitating myself during those quiet times when my brain would start to scream and scheme of how to end things. When talking to my therapist, I often talked about how drinking stopped my thinking about the future and the past. All the troubles were obliterated. Temporarily. Of course, I sold myself the idea that drinking quieted the voices. But since the voices only showed up at those dark quiet times, I think drinking more served the function of closing down my vision and filling my head with warm static. Static that meant nothing and everything. It was the overwhelming nothing.
Self-medicating… that’s an idea, eh? On one hand, the way I approached drinking was in some fashion (especially in my later years) a scientific approach to determine the fastest route to shutting down the racing mind, filled with terminal thoughts or overwhelming pressure to fix whatever might be going wrong in my life or others’ lives. The problem is that the prescribing physician is getting increasingly tipsy while continuing to increase the dose.
Why do I mention self-medication and absence from the present? In part, it’s because, in my sobriety, I’ve had to confront the underlying monsters/demons/conditions from which I hid in my fortress of bottles, cans, and my brew kettle and kegs. Plus, although I know I’ve written and thought and read about this a lot, it bears repeating: drinking does not solve problems for me and stopping drinking cannot fix problems that drinking did not cause. Chiefly, over the course of these last 18-ish straight months and the numerous stops and starts that preceded them, I’ve had to find ways to cope with the onslaught that is 20-ish years of suppressed mental health conditions and personal matters that really are in need of addressing.
The initial stages of coping involved therapy. Then I added medication to scaffold my daily life. I got back to exercising more regularly and just feeling what it felt like to live life in full. And it wasn’t all great. While there have been some great times, the lack of mediation makes the lower times almost too much to bear. Suicidal ideation shows up more frequently now and can take days before it goes away. I feel like I am out of control, even though I am able to hold it together on a daily basis.
Somewhere around 3 or 4 months of not drinking, a new challenge showed up: my physical health started going down hill. For no real apparent reason, I dropped 50 pounds and would get stomach pains every night after dinner. My toes turned red, inflamed, and tender, so I had to stop running. I was referred to a cardiologist (who temporarily diagnosed me with heart failure), a rheumatologist (who found nothing), a gastroenterologist (same), a podiatrist (wanted to cut my toe tendons), and went through goodness knows how many blood tests. All inconclusive. At the same time, my sleep quality went through the floor and my lower back pain began to flare up again.
I’m still dealing with a number of the above conditions. Except heart failure. After a stress test and echocardiogram, I was cleared from that. Thankfully it was before I started another medication! I’ve now switched to a more holistic doctor and we are continuing to work on finding the connections between my various conditions and, maybe, my mental health as the root cause. As I’ve continued to work with my therapist, psychologist, primary care doctor, and specialists, it seems increasingly likely that all this stuff is related.
Though I haven’t finished any of them yet, I have been reading a couple of books that talk about the mind-body connection. These are texts written by medical professionals with long histories in practice, and that means a lot to me, as they’re based in real science rather than subjective belief. From what I have read, it seems incredibly likely that my issues are connected. So, I’m giving it time, but as I keep working to heal my mind and soul, I’m hoping to also start seeing some improvements in my physical condition.
Let’s go back to self-medication and presence for a bit. This is the challenging part for me to write. Awhile back, during a time when I was at my absolute lowest point I’d been, I decided to give cannabis a try. I’d tried it before while drinking as well as several types of CBD but neither did much for me when compared to drinking. I experimented with it quite a ways back and really, it felt just like being drunk to me. So, I’d put that on the back shelf for awhile. Then, I started to see this idea of California-sober showing up. My understanding was that the focus was to stop drinking (and maybe stop other drugs) but still use cannabis as a sort of harm reduction approach. In hindsight, for me, this is more of the self-prescriptive behavior that got me into trouble with alcohol. However, I do notice quite a bit of difference between THC and alcohol. Aside from the physical aftermath being lessened relative to booze, it’s also easier for me to moderate and just enjoy the place I’m at in a given moment.
But am I present? I don’t quite know. That’s probably a big fat, “NO!” for an answer, but it definitely is keeping me from ending my life. The same cannot be said of the medications I’m on. Mixing and matching between these drugs is not ideal, but as I’ve seen the side effects while taking these medications, I’m taking the withdrawal symptoms very seriously and will be working with my medical team to taper them off in the next few months. As with my new doctor and our quest to figure out what’s going on with me, I’m waiting, taking my time and hoping for the best.
Speaking of the doctor (and the rest of my medical support team, and my family): I’ve not been forthcoming with my use. On one hand, I’m inclined to keep it that way. On the other hand, it feels like that’s my addiction talking… secrets were always my drinking habit’s best friend. As is lying. “Do you use any drugs for pleasure, nicotine, alcohol, cannabis?” asks the doctor. “Of course not!” responds the self-deluded self-meditator. Yet, it’s not spinning out of control like my drinking does. Better yet, I really only use it because I have it easily accessible (I know, that’s another sign that this might be compulsive…) and I can easily go without if needed for as long as I need. The thought of stopping doesn’t seem impossible as the thought of never drinking again always did. Also, I’m not feeling a sense of revulsion when I’m able to take an edible or something of the sort. That dread, or the lack of fun/joy, that accompanied my later years of drinking was a big sign to me that things weren’t going in my favor. Who knows, maybe that’ll change.
This all isn’t to recommend this to people struggling to quit drinking. It’s quite the opposite. I have a list of things I should have done instead, but for a wide range of reasons, this is where I am. Now. At the present. More directly, if you were to ask me for advice about how to quit, my answer would be: plan to take it small and keep taking it small. A minute at a time. Then 5 minutes. Then half an hour and after that a full hour. Before long you’re at a day. But you don’t need to count that number obsessively or to compare it to anyone else’s number: this is your journey. Each time the chance to drink presents itself, choose not to drink. Just the first one. Then keep moving. Also, find support. That will look different for everyone. Maybe it’ll be somewhere like r/stopdrinking on Reddit, or at your local AA gathering, or your therapist, or church/monastery/temple/synagogue/mosque/gathering hall. Wherever you can take refuge, find support there. I also find that supporting others through their hard times builds me up for my own hard times. In a few cases, hearing what others are going through has illuminated a way forward with my own issues. It’s a win win.
There is more to write about, more to share with you, Reader. But for now, I’m going to leave it here. I hope this finds you in good health and I look forward to seeing you around again sometime in the future.